I can't control it
by Superfluous-Slytherin
Summary: Raph can feel the anger pressing on him. He can't let himself loose control. He can't let himself hurt his brothers, no matter the cost. (Not as good as I want it, may end up rewriting it) small amounts of brotherly fluff


**Okay so another story about Raph! Sorry guys! This is sorta hard to write because I like making characters crazy/rage because I can write that way, but with Raph, it's hard because he's already so angry. Also, I wrote this listening to** **TMNT 2012~Raphael~Breaking the Habit and MV - My Demons - Leo Raph - Tmnt 2015 which are both awesome videos that you need to see.**

 **So this was supposed to go up July 4th but a lot happened. My neighbor called the cops on our fireworks for the first time in 13 years even though the neighbors beside him were shooting them off to. He only called because our dog made his bark and now he hates our family. Also I'm heading to the beach on the 9th so I will have a couple hours in the car to write.**

 **I don't own tmnt. If I did, Raph would be the center of every episode XD**

 ***Edit* I updated and changed a few things around. I was trying to make the "redness" almost as if it was just something that he could almost see but it failed so I hope this fixed it**!

* **Raphael Pov** *

I let out a gasp as my jaw connects with the floor. I roll over and see Leo standing over me, smirking, his katana outstretched. As I sat up, I heard Mikey burst out laughing. The anger already building comes even faster now, and I get the same sinking feeling I always do.

"Wow Raph!" Mikey laughed. "Did you really let Leo take you down that easily?"

I growled as he continued to joke. _-shut up Mikey-_ I thought viciously. I could almost see the redness of anger creeping into my vision as it weighed on me causing me to breath hard. - _just shut up!-_ I'm biting my lip now, so hard I'm surprised it's not bleeding. It is so hard to keep control. I shut my eyes and take a few deep breaths. The anger in my mind is still there, but it fades a little.

When I open my eyes, I see all 3 of my brothers staring at me. I realize I'm still on the floor and quickly scramble to my feet. Leo took a step forward, his eyes locking with mine. "You okay Raph?" I inwardly curse as the words escape his mouth. _-Mother hen Leo. Why can't he just let it go. He'll only make it worse_ -

"I'm fine Leo!" I snap. The anger isn't leaving. I can almost see a red tint in my vision as the anger presses forward. I can't let this happen. Donnie is beside Leo now, and I can see his concern. "You sure Raph?" He asks, looking me over for injury. I grunt and push past them, making my way to my room.

I slam the door as I enter before slowly sinking onto my bed. _-It's getting worse_ \- I realize as the anger builds. For so long I have been controlling it. I have built up a wall, trying to stop it. I'm constantly snapping at my brothers now. It's the only thing I can do, let out some of the anger.

I leap up from the bed and begin assaulting a single punching dummy with my Sai. I can feel the redness in the back of my mind. It's trying to control me.

I stab the dummy, feeling the anger clouding my judgement. I close my eyes, trying to focus, but my mind goes blank.

I fight for breath as I try to fight off the anger. I blink a couple times and the anger recedes. I glance around and wince at the damage I have done.

My dummy is on the floor with several rips in it. One of my Sai is lodged in the wall and the other is still in my hand. My hand is throbbing and I can see an indent in the wall, knowing I punched it again.

I shake my hand and slowly hang the dummy back up. _-I'll fix it later-_ I resolve. I struggle to pull the Sai out of the wall with my throbbing hand. Just as I pull it out, I hear my door squeak open.  
I whirl around with the Sai still in my hand to see Mikey shrinking back against the door. It takes me a second to realize why, but when I do I drop my Sai. I let out a slow breath and force a smile to him. I can tell he doesn't believe it. He glances around my ruined room in surprise. My brothers never know what to do when I fly into a rage. Heck, they don't even know what really happens. They think I just get angry, they don't know about the weight of rage on me. They just think I get annoyed. Only Leo knows anything, and all he knows is that I get angry. He doesn't know the extent of it.

Mikey's gaze finally rests on me, holding my hand painfully. _-I shouldn't have grabbed the Sai-_ I scold myself. I quickly release my hand but Mikey has already seen. His eyes widen and he says, "Raph! You need to go to Donnie!"  
I shake my head and flash the most convincing smirk I can. "Please Mike! It's nothing." Mikey obviously doesn't believe me because he yells, "Leo! Donnie!" I growl and leap up, feeling the anger building in me again. I carefully push it down as my brothers enter the room. Donnie immediately flies into doctor mode, examining my hand and pushing me onto my bed. I try to jerk it away but his grip is strong.

"Raph! How did you do this?" he asks, concern flashing in his gaze. I shrug but I can feel Leo's gaze burning in the back of my head as Donnie carefully wraps my hand. "You're lucky it's not broken Raph!" Donnie scolds.

I simply tune him him out as he lectures me about being more careful. He eventually notices that I'm not listening and leaves, taking Mikey with him. Leo, however, stays. He carefully picks his way across my room until he stands in front of me. I can tell he is trying not to lecture me.

"Go on Fearless! I know you're dying to lecture me!" I snap, my voice dripping with venom. He doesn't even flinch and flops down on the bed next to me. My mind is still heavy with anger but having Leo around seems to calm it.  
"It happened again, didn't it?" He asks softly. I nod and stare at my hand. "I tried so hard Leo." I wince at the way my voice croaks but I turn to Leo anyway. "I couldn't Leo! I kept it in when Mikey was making fun of me. I always do."  
I duck my head as Leo studies me. "Raph, maybe that's the problem." I jerk my head up in surprise. "What do you mean? I have been handling it fine" I say softly. Leo sighs and stands, gesturing to my room. "This isn't handling it Raphael!"

I flinch as he uses my full name but I stand anyway. "Well it works for me **Fearless!** It keeps me from hurting anyone!" Leo turns and I can see worry in his eyes. "Raph, you shouldn't have to do this! Every time you "handle it" you hurt yourself. Why can't you just tell us what really happens Raph!"

I slam my already wrapped wrist into the wall, causing him to jump. "Because Leo! I don't even know what happens!" His eyes are wide now, and I'm guessing he can see the fire in my eyes. "I don't know what happens to me alright!" Mikey is standing in the doorway now, with Donatello beside him but I don't care. The anger is taking over me as I try to stop it.

"Every time I get angry I can feel it on my mind! I can see it! It takes over and I can't….." I fall to my knees, and I can feel a single tear rolling down my cheek. My brothers are frozen in shock, and I can almost hear their thoughts. They have never seen me like this, and I don't want them to.  
"I can't control it Leo." I whispered, closing my eyes and leaning my head against the wall. The fog is gathering again and I clench my teeth, trying to stop it. I hear 3 thumps and I know my brothers are beside me now. "Why didn't you tell us Raph!" Mikeys voice cuts through the fog and I can hear how worried he is. I slowly open my eyes and stare at him gently.  
"I can't control it Mike. I didn't want anyone to get hurt." Mikey's eyes widen and he stares back at me, for once speechless. Donnie places a hand on my shoulder, causing me to jump. "Raph, you should have told us. We could have helped you!"

I shake my head causing Leo to sigh. "Don't pull the stubborn act hot head! We can help you!" I slowly ease myself up so that I am sitting straight against the wall. "I can deal with it myself." I say, throwing up the wall that I have grown used to, hiding any emotion from my eyes. I can see anger spark in Leo's gaze as he sees it to.

"Raph, you can't!" His voice is surprisingly fierce. "You think you can but you can't alright! Why can't you just get it in your thick head that you can't do everything yourself!" I flinch as Leo's voice bounces off of my walls. I lower my head and mumble, "I don't want anyone to get hurt."

Leo's hand yanks me up by my shell. I am surprised as he pulls me into a hug. I am stunned for a moment, unable to comprehend what's happening. "You can never hurt us Raph."  
I let out a sigh and allow myself to surrender to the hug as Mikey and Donnie join. I make a silent vow as my brothers crowd around me. _-I will never hurt them. I will control it. I CAN control it. For my brothers.-_

 **Okay so this didn't come out as well as I hoped but it's something. I am half grounded so I may not be posting much, but as I said before, I get to write for a couple hours on the way to the beach so I may edit/rewrite this. I have a couple of oneshots planned so I hope you like it!**


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